Finding My Way To You
by BRKNHRT12
Summary: An alternate reality for Jonnor and the journey to each other
1. Chapter 1

"Kiss me like you kissed Maddie" I told him.

"You're pushing it Stevens" he replies. "I can't believe you're trying to talk me into practice kissing with you."

"Dude I have to get this right" I respond. "I can't have the hottest girl 9th grade think I'm a terrible kisser."

"What does it matter? I'm sure you'll get better with practice" he replies. "With her!" he adds, emphasizing the last part of his statement.

"Jude come on, please. Please, please, Judi, Judi, Judi, please" I taunt, he hates when I call him that. Then I come with the big guns, my best puppy dog eyes.

"Stop calling me that and stop looking at me like that" he responds dryly as he rolls his eyes. "I know what you're trying to do."

"Just shut up and come here. You big dork" he says.

Works every time, I think to myself as I take my position in front of him eagerly.

"What do I do with my hands?" I question.

"Just hold her by the waist, like this" he says as he takes my hands and put them in place on his body.

He cups my face with both his hands.

"You should chew some gum or mint before. Right now you smell like BBQ nachos" he quips, scrounging his face.

"Oh, sorry" I return.

"It's ok, I like BBQ nachos" he says. "Ready?"

"Yeah, I'm read…." I cut off as I look into pools of brown and something goes through me and my breath catches.

Before I can get my thought together his lips are on mine, pressing, rubbing, gently sucking and then his tongue flicked at my lip. I gasped slightly at the sensation, momentarily opening my lips and Bam. His tongue slid into my mouth and short circuited my entire nervous system.

I grab onto him tighter, I like the feel of his slender waist. I like the feel of his tongue which seems to be assaulting mine. After I get over the shell shock, I decide to fight back, at least my tongue does. I pull him closer and move one hand to the back of his head. Can't let him escape, don't want to stop, want to feel more, want to taste more, want more. More of him.

When we separate, he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. He looks away then he turns away slightly.

He runs his hand up from the back of his neck up to his hair, the same hair my fingers were just snagged in. He then slides his hand gently down the side of his head, his fingers delicately caressing his ear,his cheek, like the hand of a gentle lover, his hand brush by his mouth and his fingertips linger on his lips. I swear I hear him gasp, ever so softly.

I wonder what he's thinking, I wonder if he's feeling the way I'm feeling. I wonder if he wishes that hand was mine, the way I'm wishing that hand was mine.

"So, you got it?" he says finally.

"Got it" I breathed out. I wasn't lying. I got it. I got the kiss and the fact that nothing would ever be the same.

"I'll tell you how it goes with Daria when I come over on Saturday." I say to him.

He mumbles a reply.

I grab my backpack and head for the door.

As I walk home, my heart is still racing. My thoughts are a confused, jumbled mess. I touch my lips, they are still tingling. I realize that I'm smiling. I can't seem to stop fucking smiling.


	2. fucking head trip

I'm walking home lost in my head. This silly grin on my face just won't fucking stop.

Fuck. What the fuck just happened? I just kissed my best friend. It was just suppose to be practice for kissing her. Fuck. Suddenly I'm not so excited about that... kissing her.

I kissed Jude, I fucking kissed Jude and I liked it... a lot. Fuck.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Jude is a boy... a fucking boy.

This was just practice, right? He's my best friend and he was just looking out.

He's not over thinking it like I am, right? It's not going to get weird or anything? It's not like it never happened before; that time on the Seventh Grade camping trip. We got pass that easy enough.

Fuck, I really liked it though. Every bit of me liked it. It's like I overdosed on Red Bull.

He just my friend, my best friend at that. There's nothing more to this. I feel for him like any real friend would, nothing more, right? We're really close and comfortable with each other and intimate... Intimate? Oh fuck Connor, really? Could you be any gayer...?

Ooh fuck it can't be. Oh my god it can't be.

No.

I like girls, I like Daria, she's cute, she's hot and she likes me. I can't wait to kiss her. Once I kiss her, I'll forget about that kiss with him. I'll forget about those pretty brown eyes... Pretty brown eyes? What the fuck? What am I thinking?

Can't seem to get those eyes out of my head. Can't seem to forget the feel of his lips, the feel of his tongue, my tongue wrestling with his. My lips still burn, still ache and this stupid fucking smile keeps coming back every time I think about him.

Fuck. Can't stop thinking about him. Jude.

Oh fuck, I'm fucked. So totally fucked.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuucckkk!"

I said that out loud didn't I? Fuck.

People are looking at me. Fuck.

That stupid dog just started barking. Shut the fuck up fido.

Better duck my head and walk faster. Fuck.


	3. you knew

God Jude, you really messed up. He was so quiet today at school. We barely spoke. I couldn't even look him in the eyes. He avoided mine too.

Shit, I never kissed Maddie like that, not even close. Sure we kissed but not like that, I never tried to snake my tongue down anyone's throat before, and all that tongue action, where did that come from? Maddie and I only dated for a few weeks before I broke it off. I told her I liked her but I wasn't ready for the whole boyfriend, girlfriend thing. I wasn't lying, in Eighth Grade I just wasn't ready, I just didn't like her the way she liked me, at least not like that. So, I did what I thought was the right thing and broke it off, offering to remain friends. And besides I had him, Connor, our friendship was enough. Though I never said it or gave it much thought, I preferred the time we spent together. She was cutting into that.

When the big dork asked me to practice kissing him with him, I tried to discourage the idea, I just thought it was strange for two boys, even best friends, who always seem to end up sleeping in the same bed tangled together, to be doing that. Plus, I didn't want to.

Bullshit Jude, you know your heart started to dance the moment the words left his lips. You just didn't want to seem eager, you didn't want to let on that your whole body lit up at the thought. Then the dork looked at you with those eyes, the ones he thinks you can't say no to…. Shit I can't. And he called you 'Judi', you hate that. He's the only fool that does that. Stop it! Stop smiling! You hate that.

He looked into my eyes before he kissed me, why did he do that? Hope he doesn't realize that those hazel puppies cut right thought me. Shit, that kiss though. Don't even want to think about it. Fireworks, plain and simple. Powder keg and sparks. His hands on my waist, on the small of my back, then in my hair. His tongue, I can still feel it, still taste it. I even got this huge bag of BBQ Nachos on my night stand, every time I eat one I think of…scratch that thought.

It's not like we've never been touchy feely before, he's always grabbing me, arm pitting me, punching me in the shoulder. So, why was his touch so different this time? Why am I missing it so much. Why do I want more. More of him. More of Connor. Shit.

Stupid, stupid, stupid why did you do that? Kiss him like that, kiss your best friend and change everything. You knew, even though you buried it under layers, of denials and rationale and fear, but you knew what would happen. Now you're fucked. You've open the door and maybe you can't close it again. Do I even want to? Shit.

I'm afraid of what he might be thinking. But, I hope he's thinking like I'm thinking, that I want to kiss him again, I want him to touch me, hold me again.

Get real 'Judi', it was just practice. Just a warm up for kissing her. Can't stop thinking about him kissing her. Why does that thought bother me so much?

He's my best friend, I should be happy for him, not agonized and… Shit. I'm jealous.

Why am I doing this to myself? Alright, relax, close your eyes, clear your mind, deep breaths, go to sleep.

He's coming over tomorrow. Shut up! Shit.

The next morning, Jude rolled out of bed on Saturday morning. He sat on the edge of his bed and ruffled his sleep scrunched hair. He got up and head to the bathroom. He liked Saturday morning showers, no rush, he could take his time and let the streams of hot water work their magic.

He got dressed a little nicer than usual for a Saturday morning, he even fixed his hair. He looked himself over in the mirror and approved. He ran down stairs to join his moms for breakfast.

After breakfast and dodging questions from his nosey moms about why he looked so dapper on a Saturday morning, he found his way back up to his room and started playing his favorite game on his tablet to pass time.

He checked the time and saw that it was almost midday, he had been playing for just about an hour and a half. It didn't seem that long.

Noting the time made him start feeling a little anxious. Connor should be over anytime now.

He barely finished the thought when his phone chimed with a message.

 **Connor:** hey

Jude typed back the same response.

He waited for a few moments, and his phone chimed again.

 **Connor:** So I did it

 **Jude:** Did what?

 **Connor:** kissed Daria

Jude stared at his phone, his heart sank, his head dropped and his shoulders slumped. He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. On the one hand he dreaded the news Connor shared. And on the other, if Connor was telling him by text, that meant he wasn't coming over to see him. As much as he was scared of the implications of what happened two days earlier, he was looking forward to seeing Connor, excited even. He had fucked things up badly or so he thought anyway. Shit.

Jude's phone chimed with a message and jarred him back from his head trip.

 **Connor:** R U there?

 **Jude:** Good 4 U. How was it?

Jude doesn't know why he feels like he's been gutted but he's Connor's friend so he has to act like it.

 **Connor:** Ok I guess

Jude felt a hint of relief at Connor's response but he wasn't sure why and he immediately felt guilty for it. Connor was his best friend.

 **Jude:** Just OK? U guess?

Connor's response was not immediate, in fact it took some time and then his phone chimed.

 **Connor:** I broke up with her

Jude couldn't believe his eyes when he read the text. His mind started racing. His mind was no longer dwelling on being jealous and hurt. He was concerned about his best friend. What could have happened to cause the break up and what kind of state was Connor in? Plus, Connor wasn't there telling him in person so he could make his own assessment and his crazy Judicorn mind was now all over the place.

 **Jude:** What. Y?

 **Connor:** I'm not sure yet

Jude wondered about what could cause Connor's and Daria's breakup. Connor was so excited when he hooked up with her. Jude had to listen to him go on and on and on. And what does he mean he's not sure why they broke up… Yet? He couldn't have been that bad a kisser at least not by what he'd experienced kissing his friend.

Jude's thoughts were interrupted when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs rather quickly.

From the edge of his bed where he was sitting he saw a figure burst into his room, approached him quickly, pushed him back on his bed, flopped on top of him and before he could get a word out, a large hot mouth engulfed his. He didn't react momentarily from the shock, but when he did he just gave in to the kiss and let it deepen. He felt fingers clawing at his hair on both sides of his head. He felt the large hot tongue fill his mouth to capacity. He wrapped his arms around the strong muscular body and surrendered to the onslaught.

After a little less than a minute the body pushed up from him and without a word the boy was gone through the door and down the stairs just as quickly as he had come in.

Jude lay in his bed still stunned with a wide silly grin on his face touching his lips which were still tingling from the encounter.

His phone chimed and after he read the text, the silly grin widened even more.

 **Connor:** That's why. Now I'm sure


	4. Certain Things

Connor ran out of the Adams-Foster's residence. He felt electrified and hot all over. His body was lit up like a Christmas tree. He was still trying to fathom what he had just done. Still trying to process the ramifications of what it all meant.

There were a few things, important things, of which he was now certain, like the fact that kissing Jude Adams-Foster was the most exciting and exhilarating thing he had ever done or experienced. He was certain that said boy was by all means now more than a friend, at least from his perspective. And there was something about himself that was also certain. For in as much as he was certain about what he felt for the boy, Jude was certainly that, a boy.

He was certain that the kiss he shared with Daria, though nice was nothing in comparison to the electricity and magic and sweetness of kissing Jude. A boy. He was certain ending it with her was the right thing to do. He simply just didn't feel what he felt with Jude. And if he didn't or couldn't, what's the point?

He kissed a boy and he liked it.

A lot.

Now for uncertain things.

Was homeboy with it?

He did kiss back he thought, and when Jude held him in that tight embrace as they kissed, that's something to be hopeful about. Isn't it?

His phone chimed with a text.

 **Jude:** Connor Stevens come back here right now.

Oh god, better go face the music, he thought. Dead man walking. Two blocks with rubbery legs and a heart full of dread seems like two miles.

Suddenly walking into his best friend's room seem like walking into a new classroom, in a new school after the class has started.

He sees Jude sitting there looking at him as he makes it no further than the doorway. The rubbery legs just won't go further and the dread filled heart is threatening to burst out of his chest.

"What happens now?" he asks.

"Connor" he hears and the brunette moves to meet him. "I'm not sure…" the voice continues.

He's doesn't know what to think about the answer he gets.

The boy is closer to him now, close enough to touch, he knows because he's looking at the bare feet in front of him. He can't look up, afraid of what he might see.

He's surprised at the feel of the lips on his, when he feels the hand on the back of his head pulling his face closer, while the other snakes around his waist. He's even more surprised at the soft needy whine that escapes his lips into the lips of the other boy.

"Yeah, I'm sure of this" Jude says as he nuzzles his face into connor's neck. "I'm not sure what happens next, but please don't run away."


End file.
